blog.eliduke.com

i hate goodbyes. i’m horrible at them. all my emotions come flooding out all at once. it’s uncontrolable. i start crying and i can’t stop, and then i see another face that i’ll miss and i start crying even more. i try to speak and i can’t. i try to tell the people i’ve shared my life with that it was amazing to meet them and that i’ll miss them, but i can’t.

just tears.

and then i distance myself even further because i know that if i get any closer i’ll completely break down and start sobbing, uncontrollably. then i won’t even be able to see their faces one last time because my vision will be clouded with tears. so, i say what i can, hold back the rest, and hope that it’s good enough for them.

* * *

last night, just before bed, i saw the sun set again for the first time in 117 days. it was only for a few seconds, but it was exactly what i needed. i watched it glide past Mt. Discovery, swinging low on the horizon, as meredith and i climbed Ob Hill once last time. it hugged the edge of Black Island, as it swept south of the station. then, all of a sudden, it disappeared behind the tallest peak right in the middle of Black Island. for a moment it was gone, for only a moment. i tried so hard to remember all i could at that point, to remember everything about this place and why i love it so much. and then, before i even had a chance to think, it poked it’s head around the other side. i won’t see another one of those for a long time.

* * *

we’re all packed, our room is in order and we have a shuttle to the airfield in about an hour. we just ate brunch for the last time, and right now i’m sitting down in the computer kiosk on Highway 1 for the last time. all day yesterday we kept talking about our last “this” and our last “that”. our last dish and our last crap… in Antarctica.

i really hope to come back here again next season, hopefully in the Carp Shop, but maybe somewhere else if that doesn’t work out. i hope that my friends make it back as well.

i’ve got 1 week, 7 more days, and i can’t believe it.

i know that my departure date has been changed twice now, but this time i truly believe that i’ll be leaving on the 17th. lots of dates have been switched for a lot of people, but things have settled down a bit around here. that said, i won’t leave until i leave, so don’t go getting your hopes up.

people do leave, though…

morgen left two days ago, and alex leaves tomorrow.

it’s weird to think about actually leaving this place. so many things that aren’t normal have become normal since i’ve been here: i can’t imagine not washing dishes 6 days a week for 10 hours a day; i can’t imagine seeing darkness and stars and the moon, seeing sunsets and sunrises, eating sushi, holding and peting an animal; i can’t imagine walking barefoot with grass poking up between my toes, paying for food, paying rent, or talking on a cell phone.

but leave i will, and leave will my friends, so many friends. i’ve met so many amazing people down here i have no idea how i’m going to keep them all straight. sure, i’ll get email addresses and phone numbers, but…

there’s still over 1,000 people living here right now. in the next 12 days they’ll all be shipped out and replaced by the “winter-overs”. it’s getting colder, the sun’s getting lower, and it’s gonna set again (for the first time in 4 months) in about a week. that’s gonna be weird.

i’m tired. like, really tired, and i’m rambling.