blog.eliduke.com

just minutes ago i finished watching the first season of Dawson’s Creek for the third time in my life. the first time was on primetime television with hannah, the second was at the manhammer with the boys, and the third was at the ass chapel with the girls and the boys. it is truely amazing television and it gets better each time you see it.

i know that there are a lot of you out there who will immediately fight back with, “yeah, but the dialogue is so lame. no one talks like that.” i couldn’t agree with you more, but how about a bit more of an original complaint, huh? is there no room in your heart, even for just an eentsy bit of suspended disbelief? just pretend that they are high schoolers, with high school feelings and high school confusions and high school misunderstandings, but that they can communicate what they are feeling in a much more mature way. how ’bout it? give it a chance.

but that’s not even the point. the point i’m making tonight is a deeper one, a truer one. one that involves real people and real chioces. one that hasn’t ended happily yet.

there’s been a lot of talk of casey the past few weeks. he’s moving out west, and the whole family is coming with him (for a visit). he’ll be living with the boys until they all move down to portland together and i’ll be half way around the world. maybe that’s the happy ending he was hoping for afterall.

so, it’s safe to say that he’s been on my mind lately.

we watched the final four episodes of season 1 tonight. the final four. they were good; scratch that, they were great. the 2nd episode we watched will be the subject of our conversation: Double Date (Formerly titled Modern Romance).

the basics of the episode are as follows: joey (the girl next door) and dawson (the boy next door) have some serious, deep seeded sexual tension after years of friendship, but they won’t accept it. pacey (dawson’s best friend) sees joey for the beautiful woman that she is, so he asks dawson for permission to pursue her. the end of that conversation went like this:

Pacey: Great. So you’re cool with this, then?
Dawson: Yeah.
Pacey: Alright, Dawson, see you later.
Dawson: Alright.
(Pacey turns to walk away from Dawson)
Dawson: No! Wait. I’m not cool with this.
(Pacey turns back around and looks at Dawson)
Pacey: You’re not?
Dawson: No.
Pacey: Okay. So what do we do now?

if you change some names around and switch things up a tiny bit, you could say that i was in a very similar situation about 3 years ago with casey.

Me: Great. So you’re cool with this, then?
Casey: Yeah.
Me: Alright, Casey, see you later.
Casey: Alright.
(about 2 months go by while meredith is in Africa)
Casey: No! Wait. I’m not cool with this.
(we haven’t seen or talked to each other in about 2 months)
Me: You’re not?
Casey: No.
Me: Okay. So what do we do now?

and it was the conversation that inevitably follow the above conversation where i truely fucked up. it’s as clear as day now.

see, i’m just now realizing that my answer to the question, “So what do we do now?“, was a lie. i didn’t know it was a lie; i truely believed what i was saying at the time. i said that i would stay away from meredith, i said that it would be over and that he had my word, and i meant every bit of it. but i wasn’t being true to myself and i wasn’t being true to casey, i was actually trying to be a friend. i was (subconsciously?) lying to him to try and make him feel better, while forcing myself into a situation where i truely had to put something at stake, my word. now all i had to do was prove it to myself.

but you all know how this story ends. you’ve seen it a hundred times. did you ever really believe that the guy wouldn’t get the girl? come on now, you didn’t actually believe that did you? you did? hmmm, well, i guess i even had myself fooled for a moment there as well.

and the summer that followed didn’t make things any easier. casey went back to live in noblesville for the entire summer, everyone else we knew was in summer school, and meredith had just returned from africa with nothing to do. did i mention i was also unemployed at the time? we lived 2 blocks away and had nothing to do but spend the summer together. gee… i wonder what’s gonna happen. i guess a better friend would have kept it in his pants.

i wonder how different things might be if i’d just told the truth when we both pondered, “So what do we do now?“. what if instead i said:

I have to be honest with you, Casey. Things have gone too far to turn back. I’m really sorry to hurt you like this, but we both know that it’s going to happen and we need to be up front about it right now. This is just a sad situation, and I hope you will forgive me some day.

i didn’t say it, but it’s still a sad situation.