god dammit i’m a lightweight
by Eli
by this time in my life, it is pretty well known that i certainly cannot handle my liquor. to this day i can still count the number of times i’ve imbibed the stuff to my own 10 digits. is that wrong? i think not, yet others continued to disagree with me on the subject. i’m not sure what it is about my personality (and no, it’s not that i “don’t know how to have a good time,” you jackasses), but the whole process of drinking just doesn’t agree with me. most (if not all) of it tastes horrible and has to be aquired, the “drunk” is fun for about an hour or two, and then is soon followed by a headache and dizzy spell. a recipe for disaster in my book.
i admit that most of this comes from a lack of experience. you could say that one must learn how to have fun drinking, just like you have to learn how to have fun snowboarding. at first you get sick and puke all over the place, you fall down the stairs, you make out with someone you might not have otherwise (maybe that part never goes away), but eventually you get the hang of it and learn how much to drink and how to drink it. but i loved the entire process of learning how to snowboard (the falls, the bruises, the successes) and have absolutely hated the “learning process” thus far of drinking. i think that about 90% of it has been unpleasant and the other 10% was a certain kind of fun that i wouldn’t want on any kind of a regular basis.
i’d say the cause for my vicious disposition comes directly from my history of headaches. throughout a large part of my childhood and early adolescence i was prone to migraine headaches and dizziness. i would get motion sick, have horrible, imobilizing migraines, and sometimes throw up because it was so bad. during one particularly horrible episode in middle school, i had a migraine every morning for a week. luckily this faded away over the next few years because i started taking medication that erradicated my migraines almost entirely. i don’t get motion sick nearly as often as i used to and even normal headaches are a thing uncommon.
but yet again i’m reminded of what headaches feel like when i introduce foreign substances into my body. i’m writing this entry from the local coffe shop (sureshot) where i have yet again found another nemesis: caffeine. i come to the sureshot every so often and get vegan doughnuts and use their wireless internet. it’s a nice place and the people are friendly. sometimes they force me to buy more than i normally would because of their $5 mininum on debit card purchases, and i’ll buy a few doughnuts instead of one. but today was different. today i ordered a doughnut and some coffee. eeewww! i know. but i thought i’d give it a shot and see where it took me. i told the barista that i wanted something sweet, creamy, cold, and vegan. he whipped me up something delicious, but quite a bit more caffeinated than i had expected. i didn’t even think to ask for decaf, which i should have, and boy was that a mistake. about 8 ounces into my 16 ounce drink i started to get dizzy. the room started spinning and i was having trouble focusing on the text on the computer screen. i went up to the barista and informed him of my situation and he said that it was most definitely the caffeine. although the normal 1 ounce of espresso to 8 ounces of drink doesn’t have much of an effect on the seasoned coffee drinker, he said that it could very easily hit a coffee virgin quite hard.
is that weird? does that make sense to anyone else? why does my body hate these drugs so much? why does everyone else got wired and i get dizzy? why does everyone else get “crunked” (crazy drunk) and i get “punked” (pukey drunk)?
i know people that can drink and drink and drink until there is nothing more to do but throw up, and then they drink some more and pass out. they wake up in the morning with a hang over, puke some more, and then start drinking again. to me, that sounds like nothing short of hell. in the past after i’ve drank and feel horrible, i usually swear off alcohol forever. i think i’ve sworn it off “forever” about 3 or 4 times, but i keep coming back (usually by the pressure of my peers). and, here i go again. this coming saturday night we will all be celebrating brandon’s 23rd birthday and he has asked me to drink with him and i have said “yes.” despite this most recent foray into dizziness yet again (blasted caffeine), i’ve decided that i’m going to do my best to stay in a positive frame of mind. i’m going to pay close attention to how much i’ve had and how fast i’ve had it and really try to make this time an enjoyable one.
afterall, it may be my last… forever!
well, first off, I’d only drink one or two drinks, so that way you don’t get “drunk” and instead you only get “tipsy”…that’s ingrid’s method. Also, one of the BIG BIG reasons I don’t drink alcohol or coffee isn’t from the feelings you get, but because they both taste AWFUL. I tried coffee for the first time in YEARS on January 20th for Mainstream Day. I had that awful coffee taste in my mouth for hours afterword….but I didn’t get a headache. So there’s your advice from one of two or three sXe-ers left from back in the day (is stumpie still sxe or what?).
Eli, you are like the native Americans compared to the Europeans. Because Europeans spent centuries living in filth and squalor, and because their entire continent was not once but twice ravaged by horrible plague, they were not susceptible to the North American diseases that certianly must have existed. The Native Americans, with their wide open living spaces and shitless water supplies, on other hand, were ill-equipped to “go out drinkin’” with the Europeans. It is only a matter of tolerance. Using your coffee example on myself, I will say that I only drink coffee once or twice a week (when I have to work early in the morning), and in that context of extreme fatigue, it works. But if I take a caffeine pill, or drink a really strong caffiene beverage, it is an unpleasant jolt of near-anxiety and fidgety-ness that lingers for most of the day. Tyler’s four espresso drink would give me a heart attack, and make me feel quite anxious. So, I think simple experience and exposure, which lead to the discomfort that comes with coffee and alcohol, is to blame. That, and you are a raging pussy.
i feel i need to reiterate a few points here. 1) nate: you are absolutely right! the main reason why i hardly ever drink either one is because how horrible they taste. there really is no way around that for me. i understand that there are people all over the world that drink both things and think they taste great, but in that situation i can’t help but feel like Ellie in the movie Contact. it’s near the end when that person on the review board, after finding out that she doesn’t believe in god, says something like, “some 95% of the world believe in a god of some sort. are you saying that they all suffer from mass delusion and are wrong?” and she just can’t help but say yes. 2) drew: as per your comment, i agree, i am a raging pussy.
I have a feeling that if one could have been inside drew’s mind while he was writting that comment we would have heard his brain say, “I’ll just write that he’s a raging pussy….no, wait….I need to write some other mumbo jumbo first, then save the raging pussy thing for the end…” Then he wrote some crap about indians and what-not….raging pussy! hurray!
N8, your assessment of me disappoints. I actually wrote the “raging pussy” part as an afterthought, and the Indian stuff was what prompted the writing in the first place. I can call Eli a pussy to his face, and I’m sure I have on many occassions. I mean, if you’ll look at my comment, their is some historical context and a personal anecdote! You don’t write something like that merely as a preamble to an insult. As a matter of fact, their have been many times (primarily on Andy’s website) where I have been tempted to leave a reductionist insult (I dunno…something like “You’re Gay”), but in those many, many cases, I have opted to keep my admittedly hilarious, yet potentially hurtful, commet to myself and write nothing, rather than build up some elaborate mythology around the insult. That’s not how Chocolate rolls, and you’ve melted my heart (but not in the good way).
Eli, I like to consider myself a bridge between the divides. If you were able to count the number of times you’ve drank on two hands, I could maybe count them on 4 or 5, but likely not more than that.
What happened was, once I had a really good experience drinking–didn’t get sick AT ALL, didn’t mind the taste so much, had lots of energy, and felt like a million bucks come morning. Ever since that time, I’ve only drank one way, and it almost always works. The guys will try to tell you how THEY do it, but don’t listen to them, you’ll just get sick. Here:
–First, about an hour before you drink a single drop, eat a hearty, carb-heavy meal like a sandwich. That’s clutch, if you ask me, to not get the nauseated feeling/dizzyness.
–This next one might be personal, but it’s what I do and it often works: I only drink mixed drinks. No beer, no hard liquor, maybe wine, but here’s what I do. One shot of liquor (usually vodka) mixed with 1-1.5 cups of a sugary drink like cranapple, kool-aid, Hi-C, or the like (one that you like the best). I also think that’s important for not getting sick–with every ounce of alcohol, you’re also getting 8-12 oz of NOT alcohol. Plus, it’s a higher concentration alcohol than beer, so you don’t have to fill your stomach to it’s uncomfortable brim with shitty, carbonated (gassy, stomach-ache) beer.
–Finally, and this might be your most important piece of advice to follow, don’t have more than 4 drinks–unless, after 4 drinks you are absolutely disappointed and don’t feel a thing. Then take 1 or 2 more until you do.
So, in short, the three “M”s to drinking for lightweights like you and me:
Meal First, Mixed Drinks, and Maximum 4.
And, the last thing, which tragically doesn’t start with an “M”, is that before bed I always drink at least 12 oz. water to sleep on. Do that, and you might actually have fun–though not enough to warrant drinking the amount that the other screwballs put up with.
oh drew…don’t be upset….I meant that as a joke. I always ALWAYS enjoy your comments. you are the most consistently funny wiener.
Andy, your instructions are appropriate, especially eating something hearty before hand. I would go so far as to say eat something carby and greasy. Something that just fills and lines that stomach. Then, you are like a double-hulled oil tanker, and your chances of a disasterous spill drop drammatically. And four drinks might actually do the trick, for now.
Oh, and N8, don’t worry, I didn’t take your comments to heart. I just wanted you to know that I’m more than merely a recognizer of pussies.
It’s weird that when taken inversely, Andy’s 3 M’s actually are my recipe for having a grand ol drunk time. Meal first…sure, if want to be drinking forever before you get drunk. Try not eating dinner then go out and you’ll get more bang for your beer. Mixed drinks…for ladies. Drink it by the shot, or if you want to be casual drink a beer. You know what people say about a fun cat…it acts just like a dog. You know what they say about girls that can drink well…she drinks just like a guy. Finally, maximum 4…try minimum 8…’nuff said.
well, you’ve all been very helpful in this regard. in the end i’d say than andy has been the most helpful, and i plan on following his advice this very evening in celebration of brandon’s 23rd birthday. i’ll be sure to let you all know how it goes. until then…
People, now that we’ve heard from the extreme non-drinkers, i think its time we hear from someone who frequently has more liquor than red blood cells in his viens. i mentioned this to eli last night, basically its the phenomenon-sp? of the world becoming too steril. babies are just not introduced to as many germs and bacteria as they once were. conseqeuently when these things are encountered (and they are, theres no way around them) you’re left with your thumb up your butt praying to the porcelin god. its similar to drew’s native american epic, only not only am i preaching tolerance (not the kind where its allright to get along with “colored” people) but the NESSECITY of it in everyday life. There are certain things that you need to be able to do in life, we’ll call them “essential skills” that combine to make you a much more well rounded person. For example, change a flat tire, do your taxes, see an acurate rainbow (i’m sorry, low blow) and be able to drink a fifth of hard liqour so that the little voice inside your head that keeps saying “you don’t have to kill the hooker, just walk away” shuts up.
thats how i felt earlier.
now, like i mentioned last night after being briefed on your history with head pains, i will no longer push you to drink. thats right, i will pressure no peer forever. but eli there is one caviot to that….you’d better start smokin like those sweet crystaly buds are going exticnt.
thugz and kisses,
ty
i’m not sure how, but this has definitely become my most popular post yet. where the hell did that come from? not that i’m complaining or anything, all the advice i got has been and will continue to be very helpful. i’ve become quite the wiser foo it all. many different points of view were presented, and all in reasonable ways, all except tylers idea that drinking is a necessity of life. that is the only hint of a hole in any of the ideas so far. keep ‘em coming!
Imagine what a powerful post it will be when you finally come out of the closet!
i.e……you need to booze it up and suck down that coffee. they go together like vegans and tofu. and you know all about that. i say you start livin’ my friend. l-i-v-i-n.
Keep me posted, duke–how’d it go? did you take my advice?
well and, to be honest, i don’t think i drank enough. i followed your rules to the dot, and had 3 drinks, but it didn’t really do anything. i felt a little something, but overall the bit that i felt i didn’t really like. the drink i was having was pretty good though, the “shark attack.” it was vodka and lemonade, but i think the reason that it tasted so good was because it didn’t have that much alcohol in it. go figure.